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DEAR ABBY: I recently spent weeks caring for my mom in hospice. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I had announced to family and friends her choice to enter hospice. They knew her death was imminent. Being the last surviving child, it was up to me to arrange her funeral. Everyone, including my friends, asked me to keep them informed as to the service date and time.
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As soon as I posted the funeral information, the excuses started rolling in. People I had considered close friends and family who supposedly loved my mother came up with a dozen different reasons not to attend her funeral.
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I took stock after Mom’s service and realized I had attended all the bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, funerals and graduations, donated to the school fundraisers, bought their Girl Scout cookies and listened to their litany of woes over the years. At the most horrible time in my life, they chose to leave me alone. Then it struck me: I really have no friends or meaningful family.
I feel abandoned and angry, and I’d love to tell those people how I feel. What are your thoughts? — DEVASTATED IN DENVER
Your Midday Sun
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DEAR DEVASTATED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. Your feelings are justified, but understand that your emotions are raw right now. Because you want to tell these people how you feel, do it — but NOT in anger, even if that’s what you may be feeling right now. Speak with each of those folks individually and be honest about how hurt and alone their absence made you feel at a time when you needed them most. They need to hear it, and you need to get it off your chest.
DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, “Samuel,” whom I adore, is a great partner to my daughter and an amazing father to my grandson. Unfortunately, he talks excessively, moving from topic to topic, even when people walk away or try to deflect to a different subject. He believes he’s an expert in multiple subjects, and he expounds about experiences I’m fairly confident never happened.
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Samuel comes from a history of abuse but has been supported and loved by our family for years. I know he loves and trusts me, and I’m conflicted about whether (or how) I should tell him how his excessive talking may deter his future goals.He is highly intelligent, but if I were an employer, I would pass him by. Knowing what a good, hardworking young man he is, this saddens me. Should I have a private conversation with him about it? This may seem trivial, but it weighs on my heart. Please give me an outsider’s opinion. — WISE MOM-IN-LAW
DEAR WISE M.I.L.: My intuition tells me that would be a mistake. However, discussing your concerns with your daughter so she can talk to Samuel about them might be a more diplomatic way to get the message across.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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